Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
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I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Just got to our Airbnb!
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.