Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
You Might Also Like
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Every. Damn. Time.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap