OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
You Might Also Like
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
(Jupiter –