OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
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[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Me too 😆
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
listen closely
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.