@J0hnnyBlaze

“Omg, I literally just died”

-people who literally don’t know what literally means

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@LittleMissZesty

Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.

@kevinthedad

Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?

4: They both rhyme, daddy!

@UncleDuke1969

Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.

@crashtestdrummy

A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.

I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…

@Parkerlawyer

I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.

@Brianhopecomedy

My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.

@daemonic3

[on date]

“I think we should take this a step farther”

Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-

*date already left*

@PinkCamoTO

If we’ve learned anything from history…

I’d be amazed.

@dumbbeezie

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me

@slimmy_shady

Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.