“Omg, I literally just died”

-people who literally don’t know what literally means

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Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.


Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?

4: They both rhyme, daddy!


Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.


A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.

I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…


I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.


My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.


[on date]

“I think we should take this a step farther”

Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-

*date already left*


If we’ve learned anything from history…

I’d be amazed.


If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me


Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.