“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
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Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Made something I’m not proud of
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you