omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
You Might Also Like
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”