Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
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Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Bless you
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.