OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
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Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
So true for me
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
who called it hell and not heaven’t
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me