OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
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my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents