OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
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a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
This is my cat’s medicine.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival