OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
You Might Also Like
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.