OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
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A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
How it started: How it’s going:
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.