OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
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Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice