omg leave her alone
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Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”