OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
You Might Also Like
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.