OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
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director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Florida man
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.