omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
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They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
(yawn)
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ