“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
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The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
i love modern commerce
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws