“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
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genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that