“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
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Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
You wish you had this many chins.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww