Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
You Might Also Like
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Me: I鈥檓 going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Britain be like
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
I鈥檝e never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Best mom ever 馃槀
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that鈥檚 shrek
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma鈥檃m.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!