Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
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Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.