OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
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PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND