OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
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Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
be careful
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer