OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??

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Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.


*the fog lifts*

*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*

*the fog does cardio*

*the fog is fit af*


I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.

Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.


I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.


Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!


“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”


Agent: Hello

Me (whispering): hello


Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.


[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]


“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.