Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
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*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
Me (whispering): hello
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.