OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
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Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
tinder is all about the long game
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary