“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
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*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.