“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
You Might Also Like
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
choose your fighter
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
This meal prepping shit easy
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.