OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
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Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
starting a garage orchestra
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Lucky old June.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.