OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
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You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Story of my life…..
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.