Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
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My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
i wish we could shoplift online
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.