Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
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It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.