[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
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Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Name another movie that mislead you?
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.