*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
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[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
How dude HOW?!
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.