[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
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That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
This why you should mind your business
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”