[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
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Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.