* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
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Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
These work great until they don’t.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.