* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
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I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.