[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
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Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
I don’t know what to do
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.