[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
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If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Life with a cat in one tweet
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer