[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
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Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
The Struggle
We decided to have money instead of children.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”