[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
You Might Also Like
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.