[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
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The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
My love language is hissing.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.