[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
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8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Yup
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!