[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
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I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
That’s fair
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’