[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
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what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
spicy snake