[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
You Might Also Like
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me