[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
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A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.