[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
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If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out