[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
You Might Also Like
dude it’s called proctologist
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”