On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
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The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Good point.
Risking my life for fun.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.